This weekend my wife and I had two conversations that wound up being oddly relevant to my day.
1. We were talking about fanfic. And my niece who has discovered SPN fanfic. And it got me thinking about vamphile, and debating about sending my niece in her direction. On the one hand, she was the first fanfic writer I ever read and her writing was HILARIOUS. On the other - the porn - and maybe I didn't want to know my niece was reading that. lol.
2. We were discussing our wishes if something ever happened to one of us. And my wife said, "I just want it to be a celebration of my life. I think that is part people so often get wrong." That how we should pay our last respects by remembering how awesome a person was, and rejoicing in it. My wife has had a lot of loss in her life, so I guess she knows of what she speaks more than I do.
So how to best appreciate the best parts of Vamphile?
Choosing my favorite fic? How can I? There was so much excellence in so much of it. She was hands down my favorite author in the fandom. I literally stalked her journal when I first found fandom. Gobbled up everything she wrote. For me she was ocassionally a little OOC, and could definitely be cracky. But that is why I loved it, and I loved the Brian and Justin I got to see through eyes. Yeah, her porn was hot, but her humor was hotter. And the best compliments I ever got on my own writing was when she found what I wrote funny. It would make my week.
She welcomed me to fandom. She encouraged my participation. She never made me feel like an idiot. She welcomed my stalking. She appreciated what I had to offer. And we spent so many hours talking about the weirdest shit that often didn't even have anything to do qaf. And when I was low. And at one point I was very, very low. She was one of the people who made sure I kept going. She even managed to get me to talk to her on the phone. Which any of your who now know me offline, know is a gigantic feat.
For all my life, when I think of the crazy awesome time I spent in QaF fandom, she will be there occupying a giant corner of it.
I know a lot of you knew her much, much better. And for much longer, than I. And I am sorry for your loss.
I hope she has found peace.
And I hope that after spending today feeling sad, and crying more than a little, that tomorrow, or the next day, or the next, if I think of her, it will be thinking of all the ways she made me laugh and made my life better.